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momofone
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Joined: 19 Apr 2007
Posts: 38
Location: NJ

PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 6:59 am    Post subject: similar or different interests? Reply with quote

Someone just stated on another thread (and don't quote me) that TRUE socialized children interact with all ages, backgrounds, etc.

Would you allow your child to spend time or "socialize" with other homeschooled families that do not share say the same strong feelings over a topic? Say you are strict vegetarians or have a strong faith in a particular religion? Would you allow your child of say 4-9 years old have contact with those on the opposite end of the spectrum or would you feel it better for them to have that sort of contact later where you could explain it more thoroughly?

Now, that said... this isn't to debate, I honestly want to know your thoughts, because I agree with the "TRUE" statement, but wonder about some things I feel strongly about. My thoughts would be that they need a strong foundation for whatever belief it may be and adding to the mix too early could be confusing? How old are they to be before we allow that type of contact? I realize it depends on the child's personality and maturity level, but I am interested in what your thoughts are on timing, etc.

Thanks.
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Calla_Dragon
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Joined: 22 Jan 2007
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 7:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I let my kids socialize with just about whoever they come across and I've noticed some interesting things because of it. I really think that young kids are blind when it comes to differences in color, abilities, etc. We live in an area where there are a lot of white people but we also have a lot hispanics and a variety of some other races. My son is 6 and has yet to say something to me about someone that he played with that was black, asian, hispanic. His best bud is hispanic/asian. He just doesn't notice that they're different.

We also spend a lot of time with people who believe differently than we do. I don't mind that either because, really, how often do you catch small kids discussing religion or philosophy?

I watch my kids closely when they're interacting with others, not to be over protective, but to observe how kids interact. What I've learned is that any differences between kids and all the baggage that goes with that is instilled by the parents (or the media), most of the time. My son can play with a black child and literally not notice (or care) that he's black - it's just really not even a talking point with him. The rare time that he's mentioned something about someone who looked different, we talked about how some people are <x> and other people are <x> and it's not good or bad, just different and that's ok.

I think a lot of emphasis (too much emphasis, IMO) is put on differences between children and adults project their baggage onto their kids. Kids are kids to other kids and they will generally all play together unless something has taught that child that they shouldn't. This applies to racial differences, kids of different religions, kids of different abilities.

I personally know of a few families that don't allow their kids to play with other kids who aren't of their own religion for fear those kids will influence those kids away from the parents' beliefs. Now, it's not my family or my kids but I disagree with that method. Kids who grow up in homes of faith need exposure to other beliefs. They need their beliefs challenged - maybe not as really young kids, but I feel the challenges need to be there.(however, mostly kids are parroting their parent's beliefs as a youngster. It's a while before a kid really can develop his own belief system and defend it) Challenges to one's faith makes it stronger. What's the point in believing something if you don't know why you believe it and can't back it up? What's the worth of a belief system that can't stand up to the exposure of other beliefs?
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Lenethren
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Joined: 03 Sep 2006
Posts: 172
Location: Okanagan, BC, Canada

PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 12:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I let my children interact with others based on their personality/character. As long as the child is reasonably well behaved etc then I don't see a issue. Personally, I'm a atheist but I don't see that I'd be doing my children any favours by not teaching them about what others believe. I always tell my kids it doesn't matter what color, race, religion, politics, etc that anyone is as long as that person is a good person you should treat them equally.

I hadn't thought about it until now but I guess we've been lucky because to my knowledge my kids have never had people NOT play with them or interact in anyway just because of our beliefs.
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momofone
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Joined: 19 Apr 2007
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Location: NJ

PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 12:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, some great thoughts.

What about parents that verbally abuse their children? Using foul language or just put them down, in general? Let's say the parent says, "Joshua, you are so stupid." Or uses the f word to speak or to discipline them?

I know they can't be protected forever, but I don't know that they need to be around that type of behavior either.
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momofone
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Joined: 19 Apr 2007
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Location: NJ

PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 12:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lenethren wrote:
I let my children interact with others based on their personality/character. As long as the child is reasonably well behaved etc then I don't see a issue. Personally, I'm a atheist but I don't see that I'd be doing my children any favours by not teaching them about what others believe. I always tell my kids it doesn't matter what color, race, religion, politics, etc that anyone is as long as that person is a good person you should treat them equally.

I hadn't thought about it until now but I guess we've been lucky because to my knowledge my kids have never had people NOT play with them or interact in anyway just because of our beliefs.



Ok, yeah, that is where I am coming from as well. Doesn't matter about the religious beliefs, as long as who we choose to associate with are good people at heart. So, if you met people and had a few play dates, then realized they don't speak to their children in what you consider an appropriate manner... what would you do?
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Lenethren
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Joined: 03 Sep 2006
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Location: Okanagan, BC, Canada

PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 3:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

momofone wrote:
Ok, yeah, that is where I am coming from as well. Doesn't matter about the religious beliefs, as long as who we choose to associate with are good people at heart. So, if you met people and had a few play dates, then realized they don't speak to their children in what you consider an appropriate manner... what would you do?


I suppose it depends on how well I know them. Or if I know I have to see them alot as they are neighbours or go to the same groups etc. I realize it can be awkward but if you know you'll be seeing the person around alot then I think confronting the issue would be the best approach.

I tend to be outspoken anyway but I realize most people are uncomfortable in confrontations. However, I look at it as they might change their behaviour if confronted but if they aren't told it is a problem then they'll NEVER change it.

Hope this helps somewhat.
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Calla_Dragon
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Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 212

PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2007 7:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

momofone wrote:
Ok, some great thoughts.

What about parents that verbally abuse their children? Using foul language or just put them down, in general? Let's say the parent says, "Joshua, you are so stupid." Or uses the f word to speak or to discipline them?

I know they can't be protected forever, but I don't know that they need to be around that type of behavior either.


Depends on the situation. If were at a park, then yes because the likelyhood we'd see them again would be slim. There'd be a discussion afterwards about how that's not an ok way to talk to anyone. If it was someone we knew well, I'd probably approach that person and express concerns about the way they interacted with their child.

As for the use of foul language, I don't get really worked up about that. I slip from time to time and my kids know about "grown-up" words and how it's not appropriate for kids to use them. We've talked about how adults can choose whether to use them or not and that's their decision alone and how when they're grown ups they can also make that decision for themselves. We have lots of friends who have "made the choice" to use that kind of language and it doesn't affect the boys at all - they don't go around swearing after being exposed to that language (although the friends do make attempts to watch their language around the kids, but they slip quite often). Swearing is all over the place. I tried to shield them from it for a while and then realized it was better to tackle it head on and explain it to them. I've found in my friends and I when I was growning up that forbidding something is the quickest way to make it the most interesting thing in the world - as shown by my pastor's kid best friend of ten years (and every other PK or kid from a heavily religious family I knew). She was forbidden to do all sorts of things and we did them anyway behind her parents' backs (all the kids I knew from strictly controlled households rebelled big time). That (and how my parents raised me as I did not have all those restrictions, but was given information, choices and the responsibility of my actions to guide me. I never went through a rebellious period.) taught me a lot about raising my kids and how forbidding stuff will backfire everytime if you don't also give them the tools to deal with the situation.
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momo3boys
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Joined: 14 Feb 2006
Posts: 574
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 5:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I use the philosophy that you are who you hang out with. WE talk a lot about what is appropriate behavior, and how it feels to hear certain words, or be treated a certain way. (We don't judge them, we are Christian, but it is not our place to judge, it is our job to show God's love.) The boys talk to the other children about the fact that they don't like those words, or that behavior, and if they don't stop then they won't play with them, most of the time the child stops. If an adult is doing it, I make sure that my child does not spend anytime alone with that adult. I wouldn't feel safe. But that's just me.
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momofone
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Joined: 19 Apr 2007
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Location: NJ

PostPosted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 6:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

momo3boys wrote:
I use the philosophy that you are who you hang out with. WE talk a lot about what is appropriate behavior, and how it feels to hear certain words, or be treated a certain way. (We don't judge them, we are Christian, but it is not our place to judge, it is our job to show God's love.) The boys talk to the other children about the fact that they don't like those words, or that behavior, and if they don't stop then they won't play with them, most of the time the child stops. If an adult is doing it, I make sure that my child does not spend anytime alone with that adult. I wouldn't feel safe. But that's just me.


Yeah, this is the way I have been and started doubting myself. I sometimes think I am going overboard, so I appreciate your input. Very Happy
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momofone
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Joined: 19 Apr 2007
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Location: NJ

PostPosted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 6:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lenethren wrote:
momofone wrote:
Ok, yeah, that is where I am coming from as well. Doesn't matter about the religious beliefs, as long as who we choose to associate with are good people at heart. So, if you met people and had a few play dates, then realized they don't speak to their children in what you consider an appropriate manner... what would you do?


I suppose it depends on how well I know them. Or if I know I have to see them alot as they are neighbours or go to the same groups etc. I realize it can be awkward but if you know you'll be seeing the person around alot then I think confronting the issue would be the best approach.

I tend to be outspoken anyway but I realize most people are uncomfortable in confrontations. However, I look at it as they might change their behaviour if confronted but if they aren't told it is a problem then they'll NEVER change it.

Hope this helps somewhat.


Oh, it does help. I agree with a lot of your philosophy, as I don't believe you can completely avoid everyone. Thanks for your input. Very Happy
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momofone
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 6:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Calla_Dragon wrote:
momofone wrote:
Ok, some great thoughts.

What about parents that verbally abuse their children? Using foul language or just put them down, in general? Let's say the parent says, "Joshua, you are so stupid." Or uses the f word to speak or to discipline them?

I know they can't be protected forever, but I don't know that they need to be around that type of behavior either.


Depends on the situation. If were at a park, then yes because the likelyhood we'd see them again would be slim. There'd be a discussion afterwards about how that's not an ok way to talk to anyone. If it was someone we knew well, I'd probably approach that person and express concerns about the way they interacted with their child.

As for the use of foul language, I don't get really worked up about that. I slip from time to time and my kids know about "grown-up" words and how it's not appropriate for kids to use them. We've talked about how adults can choose whether to use them or not and that's their decision alone and how when they're grown ups they can also make that decision for themselves. We have lots of friends who have "made the choice" to use that kind of language and it doesn't affect the boys at all - they don't go around swearing after being exposed to that language (although the friends do make attempts to watch their language around the kids, but they slip quite often). Swearing is all over the place. I tried to shield them from it for a while and then realized it was better to tackle it head on and explain it to them. I've found in my friends and I when I was growning up that forbidding something is the quickest way to make it the most interesting thing in the world - as shown by my pastor's kid best friend of ten years (and every other PK or kid from a heavily religious family I knew). She was forbidden to do all sorts of things and we did them anyway behind her parents' backs (all the kids I knew from strictly controlled households rebelled big time). That (and how my parents raised me as I did not have all those restrictions, but was given information, choices and the responsibility of my actions to guide me. I never went through a rebellious period.) taught me a lot about raising my kids and how forbidding stuff will backfire everytime if you don't also give them the tools to deal with the situation.


Understood. Thanks for your input. Very Happy
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su
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Joined: 14 Jul 2006
Posts: 31
Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 11:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Calla_Dragon wrote:
[ I've found in my friends and I when I was growning up that forbidding something is the quickest way to make it the most interesting thing in the world - as shown by my pastor's kid best friend of ten years (and every other PK or kid from a heavily religious family I knew). She was forbidden to do all sorts of things and we did them anyway behind her parents' backs (all the kids I knew from strictly controlled households rebelled big time). That (and how my parents raised me as I did not have all those restrictions, but was given information, choices and the responsibility of my actions to guide me. I never went through a rebellious period.) taught me a lot about raising my kids and how forbidding stuff will backfire everytime if you don't also give them the tools to deal with the situation.


On a little side issue, I wanted to address this, Calla Dragon. How many of those families had close relationships? I mean the kind that comes more naturally with homeschooling. I've heard it said, "Rules without relationship breeds rebellion." You sound like the kind of person who highly values that kind of relationship with your kids, and perhaps you had that kind of relationship with your parents: the kind with open, honest communication. Now obviously this is not only possible through homeschooling, but we have a huge advantage. I also new rebellious kids in highschool with strict parents, and unfortuneately, as a raging non-christian, I encouraged their rebellion Crying or Very sad . Because of that, I have been concerned about being too strict with our kids, and at times we have been too strict, but.....we communicate with our kids. We confess when we have been too harsh (*note to self - do better on this one!*) and openly discuss why we are trying to raise them differently than much of society. (By the way, we aren't weirdos! Laughing ) Now, our oldest is only 15, so the jury is still out on us, but I hope and trust in God to cover our failures and to show our effort to be fruitful. As I look at the examples we have of godly families around us, I am hopeful!

Now, for the main topic, I think it's good for kids to interact with people who are different than we are as long as it is not a relationship that will strike at the foundation we are trying to build. To me it just depends on the kind of influence the individual has. As a Christian, I'm not going to seek for my kids to build a relationship with people who openly mock our choices and live the "wild life", be they "christian" or not(forgive me, I'm tired and have something to say here, but it's not coming out very well). A well mannered, respectful unbeliever is preferable to an ill-mannered, disrespectful "christian". Fortunately, we have godly young people we get together with for games of ultimate frisbee and occational game nights. As for exposure to people who think/believe differently, we need only go to family gatherings.

Hope this doesn't sound like a tired person rambling! Very Happy
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DanBranch
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Joined: 15 Dec 2010
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Location: Jersey City, NJ

PostPosted: Wed Dec 15, 2010 4:08 am    Post subject: hi Reply with quote

i m always looking for extra activities for children and would like to say i found such a forum which for i can participate for discussion,..
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reloaded
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Joined: 10 Jan 2011
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 1:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It is better to keep an eye on your children if you want to give freedom to them. Otherwise you will lose control over them in future.
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toddler20
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 26, 2011 6:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You can join your kid in some activities as well. Your kid would love your company and a supervision as well.
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