Help Issue 5 - Part III - Copyright 1989 Mary Pride, 1997 Home Life, Inc.
Susan Gaddis, CA
I have always had wonderful pregnancies and births and began meeting with the midwife the first part of January. Two weeks later I woke to find myself spotting. Three days later I gave birth at home to a thirteen week old baby boy. . . . We went through much grief and for a while I feared another pregnancy. Only the Scriptures, God's grace, and a loving church have seen me through this time. I lost the baby on Tuesday-the following Sunday was Sanctity of Life Sunday-I don't know how my husband made it through his sermon.
I have had to draw some important conclusions from this ordeal:
I think that many who share our convictions need to beware of subtle pride because of their ability to bear children. We've been called to speak a message, but we walk softly before Him who has called us.
I pray that those who read HELP realize that convictions are never convictions until tested and proven strong and deep.
Recommended reading: Early Flight by Jack Hayford, Beyond Heartache by Mari Hanes, Free to Grieve by Maureen Rank.
Kim Jeffery, PA
David and I have also seen how the Lord can take difficult and painful family situations and turn them around so that they become times of great growth and closeness. In the last two months two of our sons have had accidents: a broken wrist for the oldest and a baseball bat in the face with the youngest. Both were very traumatic, and we would have avoided them if we'd had any inkling that they were going to happen. And yet, the Lord brought tremendous good out of what was a potentially destructive situation. I can't emphasize enough how these situations brought us closer as a family, caused us to cherish one another more than ever, and taught both boys that there were many adults outside our immediate family who cared about them a great deal. This has been especially true for Jordan, our youngest son, who had to have daily visits with a plastic surgeon recently to repair the wound to his face. He has always been our timid child and yet he was very drawn to this gentle plastic surgeon who cared for him so lovingly. Jordan has been learning very early a thing which I'm still trying to grasp as a mother-that many times we have to hurt before we can heal.
Mary Jo Horner, MN
Our oldest was killed instantly by a school bus when she was almost 5-1/2 years old. She was attending kindergarten at a small Christian school. The driver of the bus that brought her to our corner did not wait for her to get across the street but proceeded on and ran her over. Perhaps only two weeks prior to the accident a big deal was made of the fact that she was not crossing the street in front of the schoolbus as the rules said she was [supposed to]. I had received a phone call about it stressing that I was to instruct her in this matter and a different bus driver had gotten out one day and showed her how to do it properly.
Just the day prior, we had a talk about death. She had asked if only old people died. The day of the accident I had laid down for a nap with our two-day-old baby and just [before that] I had read an article in the new issue of Family Life Today [on the subject of pain and suffering] entitled "To What End?"
Even in the first minutes of knowing that our daughter was dead, we could praise God that He in His own way had prepared both her and us for this separation. It was not an accident, but a part of God's eternal plan. What comfort it was knowing that! This is not to say that we didn't grieve. The heartache of missing her was intense and it still hurts. But as Christians, we know that there will be an eternal reunion. And we are confident that by God's grace, she was born again and is now in the presence of her Savior....
Romans 8:28 tells us that all things work together for good to them that love God; so, you may ask, where is the good in all this? Probably the first thing is in how our faith has been strengthened. We first-hand know how the Lord will carry you through tough times. But there has also been great blessing in how we look at our other children. They are indeed gifts, albeit temporary. We love them much more and our joy with them is much greater....
Mary Jo also enclosed a wonderful article from the December 2, 1988 issue of the Christian Observer, entitled "The Sovereignty of God in the Death of Our Daughter" by Rev. Donald Dunkerley (his address was given: it's Proclamation International, 3941 McClellan Rd., Pensacola FL 32503). Rev. Dunkerley's "miracle" baby, the one it was "medically impossible" for his wife to conceive and carry to term, died after extended surgery. He points out that only the doctrine that God is in control and that there are no "mistakes," "senseless tragedies," or "accidents" is any real comfort in a time of grief. This is especially important in situations like Mary Jo's own, when it seems doubly ironic that everyone had been so anxious for her little girl to learn to cross the street in front of the bus. Was it "senseless" and "futile" for that poor little girl to obey that rule that sent her to her death? No. God does have a reason for putting grief in our paths. Our job is to trust that He knows best and obey His commands regardless of the temporal consequences.
NO-FAULT IS MORE THAN "PROBABLY" WRONG
by Mary Pride
A number of people have written us of their concern that Dr. James Dobson endorses "no-fault" parenting with his view of Proverbs 22:6 and the other proverbs regarding child-rearing as simply giving us "probabilities." Proverbs 22:6 says "Train up a child in the way he should go and he will not depart from it." According to the no-fault view, parents can do their best to no avail, as the proverb really means, "Train up a child in the way he should go and usually he will not depart from it." The reasoning behind no-fault is that children are free moral agents, not controllable by their parents, and that it is not fair to parents to lay on them the burden of responsibility for their offspring's sins.
What do we think about the "probability theory"? We believe it's definitely wrong. For one thing, God could easily have inserted a word like "usually" into this (or other) proverbs if that was what He meant. For another thing, the negative proverbs like "A child left to himself brings disgrace" are not as easily seen as probabilities. Kids left to run wild do get into trouble. A friend of fools will suffer harm. Whoever is led astray by wine and beer is not wise. And so on.
Recognizing that none of us is perfect, and that we all need the grace of God, still it is true that the vast majority of Christian parents today do not make even minimal efforts to insure their children's future holiness. Plugged into institutions at a tender age, allowed to associate with unwise companions, handed unsupervised money for which they have not worked, disciplined erratically or not at all, sent out on unchaperoned dates, left for years of their lives in front of unwholesome TV programs, encouraged to act and think like "kids" instead of to grow up, ignored and indulged in turn, today's kids are not exactly the recipients of wholehearted parental effort. As Liz Ensley wisely observed in the last HELP, "If 75% of today's Christian families have kids go wrong, they must not be even meeting the probability requirements!"
Yes, we are all human. None of us can claim our child-training is perfect. But as the Bible also says, "Love covers over a multitude of sins." The real question is, "Do we CARE enough to really want to do our best, or are we just seeking excuses for doing exactly what the non-Christian parents do-which, not surprisingly, leads to the same results they have?" I suspect that if Christian parents start to cry and agonize more over our early child-training mistakes, and fervently seek the Lord's Word for improvement instead of continually lowering our standards to let ourselves off the hook, we will have much less reason to cry and agonize once our little ones are grown up.
By the way . . . we personally have been financial supporters of Dr. Dobson's Focus on the Family ministry for a long time. We believe that as a whole his ministry is doing a very valuable work, speaking up for the family to the outside world. Dr. Dobson is still is one of the few Christian leaders who encourages mothers to stay home with our children. Let's pray for him and not throw out all his work because in some areas he hasn't found the very best answers!
Jackie Torkelson, AK
My husband and I were both raised in Christian homes. I have been a Christian since age four and never was a rebellious teen. It does not have to be. I have four siblings who also turned out right. I really appreciated your chapter in The Way Home about no-fault parenting. I needed to be reminded of that. I had fallen prey to the influences that said I can only do so much and then pray and hope for the best. I have claimed Malachi 2:15-16.
Our 16-year-old son is a joy, has our values, and is very resistant to peer pressure. . . . Our 13-year-old is also a fine son....
J. Traffie, NH
I was reading in A Survivor's Guide to Home Schooling where it said it should not be our goal to have righteous children, but our desire. Our goal should be to obey God's Word. And I've been reading What the Bible Says about . . . Child Training and it was re-emphasized to me that as I go about disciplining my children I have to remember it all falls back to me first. I must be obeying God, and then my children must obey me....
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
Kim Jeffery,
PA
When other women in my church look at my life they often say the same thing to me that was expressed to you in several letters: HOW DO YOU DO IT? They don't realize how much help I have from my family and how long it took me to learn how to do what I do now. If you asked my husband what our house looked like when I had only two or three children, he would probably roll his eyes and hope he didn't have to remember too clearly! Our house spent weeks at a time looking like the health department could close it down. It took me years to learn how to prioritize work, to get rid of things that had to be cleaned but added little to the hominess of our house, and very importantly, to have children who were old enough to really give me help in tangible ways. A two-year-old who can set the table is nice, but a thirteen-year-old who can single-handedly (and voluntarily) scrub the bathroom from top to bottom is worth rubies and gold!
One of the best things you ever wrote (for me) was your comment in The Way Home that we grow stronger and stronger with every baby. As soon as I read that I recognized its truth, but I had never heard it expressed in that way. It really is one of the ultimate ways that mothers of large families can get done as much as they do-we gain so much more from our children than we realize we will in strength, in discipline, in endurance, in love, and our husbands do too. Only the Lord could design such a unique and efficient system!
This is exactly what I say so often to mothers of one or two who write in despair "I am not managing right now, so how could I ever cope with more children?" You will learn to be more productive, and your children will grow up! If you train them properly, they will enjoy helping you, and you will have LESS work to do than you are doing now. When our older children go on an excursion with Daddy and I'm alone with the baby, I get tired much more quickly, because I have to keep jumping up to fetch things I need and chase the baby around. When they are home, they are my go-fers and they can corral the baby and head him back in the right direction. They play and romp with the baby, pick up their own and the baby's messes, and do the vacuuming and dishes. When they are not home, I have to do all that by myself . . . and I really notice how much they help!
L.G., CA
My friend L. and I also are asked (daily, it seems) "How do you do it?" regarding staying home with our children, homeschooling, and wanting more. The ironic thing is that WE are the ones who are relaxed, happy, and enjoy our kids, and they are the ones who are frazzled and hate parenting!
One day we came to the conclusion that, indeed, when you don't raise your children God's way, it's hard! But following God's design, it's not only fun, but much easier. For example:
Raising children by God's design frees parents to love and enjoy them! No wonder we are loving parenting, and those who do it as the world (feminism) suggests, hate it! I would find it stressful to do it that way, too!
Liz Adleta, OR
A friend once told me, "The most difficult number of children to handle is three. After becoming accustomed to handling three children, you could have twenty with no more difficulty!" I wholeheartedly agree with her-there is something about the third child, especially if they are close together in age. But, take heart, it is also true that somehow once you've become used to working with those three, it truly does get easier! Part of it may be because the older one is finally getting old enough to be a good help! Part may be from the accumulated experience! In any case, I now have five, from seven years old and under, and am expecting my sixth in May. Each month seems to get easier and easier! And don't forget: God gives new grace with each one at the time they arrive!
Penny Gioja, IL
The reaction of many on our Christmas list was, "How do you do it all?" [You should see their Christmas list! I mentioned the Gioja's outstanding hospitality ministry in the last chapter of All the Way Home, if you are curious.-Ed.] Actually, most of my time is spent in routine tasks, changing diapers, supervising the meals and cleanup, making peace between siblings, teaching academics. Perhaps the difference is that we don't watch six hours of TV a day! ...
OLDER MOTHERS
Mrs. D.B., AZ
I really get a lot of criticism because of having children at my age (I didn't have my first baby until I was 36 and I'm 45 now). I love having babies. I waited so long! But people act like I'm disgusting and it sure hurts, especially when it comes from these young gals. ("I can't believe she's still having kids!")
I've seen relatives get angry when they found out we were expecting and seen them and friends glad when I had a miscarriage. That'll test your forgiveness, let me tell you! ...
I really weep at the thought of not having more children and I resent people like Dr. Dobson who tell us that now we can do our own thing and have romance without the worry of pregnancy, and "Cheer up, girls, this is the best time of your lives." I believe the Empty Nest Syndrome wasn't part of God's plan. If women wouldn't quit having children so young, they'd feel needed and fulfilled right up to the time they became grandmothers!
I get so lonely for a Christian friend my age who has little ones and is going through what I am...
The other thing I've noticed is an arrogance in the younger women in the church which makes them completely unopen to any wisdom I might have gained that I could share with them. I finally decided to just keep quiet....
Martha Pugacz, OH
Mother of 7 adult children
I chuckled when I read HELP readers requesting that older women should help the younger. This is true-but those of us who put in our time without working outside the home, took our children wherever we went, and had a well-behaved family-it is difficult to try to help those who want what we had but don't want to sacrifice and do what we did. Don't get me wrong: we thoroughly enjoyed it. We never dreamed of babysitters. Walt played ball the first year and we went to the baseball banquet. I naturally took my 9-month-old with me. We had her in a high chair between us. They looked at us as though something was wrong with us. By the end of the evening we heard comments like, "If our children acted like yours, we'd take them along!"
Most young couples we see even have babysitters come in their home when they are entertaining in their home!
I remember two 50-year-old single women I knew who came to our area. One said she didn't want to visit us since we have seven children and "You'll never get to visit." The other one, named Mary, came and all she said all afternoon was, "Gladys should see this, she'd never believe it."
In the past week I met three babies in stores with their nannies. Such sweet babies and giving them to another to care for. One nanny told me that when the mother comes home from work (both parents have good jobs) the baby hangs on to the nanny for dear life and doesn't want her to go home. Sad, how many give away their heritage!
Arlene Dryden, CA
When I was 34 I married Bill who was 47. We had our first argument prior to our wedding when I informed him I was going to have a tubal ligation. . . . He was adamant about doing anything to the body God gave us. So Deborah was born when I was 35. . . . When I was 40 I delivered a beautiful boy (Billy). . . . When I was 45 I became pregnant again [after a miscarriage]. I delivered David and was so thrilled with God's blessing and goodness to us.
Having children when you're older helps to keep you stimulated. We are anxious to stay in good physical condition so we can swim, ski, play tennis, etc., with the little ones as they grow too.
It's going to softball and baseball forever, listening to piano and cutting up meat . . . But what an education for the older children, a sense of real family and an education in raising children.
I'm amazed at the lack of experience so many young mothers have and no one to turn to because their mother works still.
Bill is 60 with a 1-1/2 year old and the kids are his special joy. He is a fabulous father and a wonderful example....
The ripoff financially and emotionally of the amniocentesis is one of my biggest pet peeves of being over 35. I urged my friends to refuse it but the doctors are very persuasive, to the point of saying they won't deliver you if you don't get it. Which may be the best idea yet!
Helene Seitz, OK
We hear so much about the dangers of getting pregnant after 35, but God was merciful and let me "bear fruit in my old age"-I am 41 years old. Baby was born when I was 40. But it was during my pregnancy that I found out that my Dad's mom had a baby at age 44. (My dad was born when she was 40 and my Aunt Grace when she was 44.) My grandma lived to be 89 years old before going on to be with the Lord. My other grandma (my mom's mother) is still living and is 91 years old now and in excellent health except some difficulty walking. She and my grandpa are still in love. (He massages her legs. He himself rides an exercycle every day to keep fit!) Their son, who was an M.D., was called to the ministry not long ago and is now in the pulpit, although he still has a small practice. That uncle was born when my grandma was 40 years old and he's a servant of the Lord. Both my grandmas were "Praying Mothers." It's just a different world when we have Jesus as Savior and Lord.
And then here's a little gem I found hanging on the wall at my chiropractor's office. The author was listed as "unknown."-Ed.
FOR ALL THOSE BORN BEFORE 1945
We Are Survivors!!!
Consider the changes we have witnessed:
We were born before television, before penicillin, before polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, plastic, contact lenses, frisbees and the Pill.
We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams and ballpoint pens; before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes, and before man walked on the moon.
We got married first and then lived together. How quaint can you be? In our time closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of." Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagens. Designer jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeanne; and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along well with our cousins. We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent and Outer Space was the back of the Riviera Theatre.
We were before house-husbands, computer dating, dual careers, and commuter marriages. We were before day-care centers, group therapy, and nursing homes. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yogurt, and guys wearing earrings. For us time-sharing meant togetherness . . . not computers or condominiums; a "chip" meant a piece of wood, hardware meant hardware and software wasn't even a word!
In 1940, "made in Japan" meant JUNK and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam. Pizza, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We hit the scene when there were 5 and 10 cent stores, where you bought things for five and ten cents. Sanders and Wilson sold ice cream cones for a nickel or a dime. For one nickel you could ride a street car, make a phone call, buy a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one; a pity too, because gas was only 11 cents a gallon.
In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable, GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink and POT was something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was a grandmother's lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the principal's office.
We were certainly not before the difference between sexes was discovered but we were surely before the sex change; we made do with what we had. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby!
No wonder we are so confused and there is such a generation gap today!
BUT WE SURVIVED!!! What better reason to celebrate!
COUNTRY REPORT:FAMILY LIFE IN THE PHILIPPINES
by Luanne Shackelford (author of The Survivor's Guide to
Home Schooling, and currently a missionary mom in the Philippines)
In spite of the constitutional position on human rights for the unborn, there is a concerted effort for family planning and zero population growth. It is just reruns of what happened in the States several years back, minus women's lib (women here are pretty happy with their lot in life-they run most of the homes and businesses!)
People have been doing abortions here for a long time. They often take abortifactants since most drugs can be bought over the counter here. It is really hard to teach people to trust the Lord with that area of their lives when they are messed up in so many areas of the family. Debt is a way of life here. People never plan ahead and just borrow when they run out of money, so when they do get some money, they either pay the debts or loan it to their friends who have run out.
They believe that sex is for babies only and that no "nice" woman would enjoy it. To them it is dirty. They feel that if they enjoy it, their husbands will think they are not nice. Most men have a mistress. Mistresses are free to enjoy sex and use birth control since they are bad already anyway. Many wives are glad to have their husbands going elsewhere for sex, but don't like the fact that the mistress costs money and usually lives under much better conditions than the wife....
Among the Christians there are many of the same problems that carry over. The husbands know it is wrong to have a mistress, but the wives are still loath to try to "get into" sex. For them it is "yukky." But an interesting fact is that 90% of all couples, Christians included, are pregnant before the wedding. I really haven't figured it all out yet! ...
I am an enigma. It is the Americans who are shown to be the shining example of the wealth and prosperity that comes from birth control, and yet here is an American with seven kids who sounds like the Catholic priest!
It is interesting to me to see what an advantage we have in the States, having a basic morality and culture that originated from Biblical principles. Here there is no such base and the whole thing is a mess....
[From a later letter]
I really feel sick about the situation here. The other day in the dentist's office I picked up a Filipino magazine. In it was a big article that could have been an exact reprint of an article printed in the State in and around 1971. It was all about how many mothers a year die due to pregnancy-related problems and illegal abortions, and what a pity it is that abortion isn't safe and legal. I didn't know it had gotten that far yet!
What am I doing about it? Well, so far I am teaching a mother's Bible study, but I can't be very effective until I can do better with the language. . . I am also working with a group of student midwives. If they can come to know the Lord they could have a real effect. It is the educated and especially the midwives and doctors who convince people one on one. It is the Christians who are the answer, because the rest have heart anti-birth control stuff all their lives and have rejected it even though they believe it is a sin because their motivation was fear of punishment, not trust in a caring God. My job, as I see it, is to teach the Christians how faithful God is and how much we can count on His care for us if we will only trust Him and obey Him....
Here, as everywhere, everything God designed is under attack: marriage, family, sex, friendship, government, and even the food supply! Sin has skewed everything! I desperately want to make a difference, but sometimes I feel like one person hanging onto a caboose, trying to stop the train. But God sees the whole picture and has a part for me in it all, so I will do what He has given me to do to the best of my ability! Starting with this crazy language!
POSTPARTUM GUIDE FOR REAL MOMS
by Beryl Singer, MA
We just had our fourth baby seven weeks ago, and I came home from the hospital with several bags of those freebie samples they give you and lots of literature put out by the formula companies and baby magazines. I started reading through the literature and magazines while nursing the baby, and they were so funny I started reading them to Wayne and giggling. Some of them were inaccurate and all of them were written for first-time Mommies.
In one article I actually read that babies don't recognize their parents until they are two months old. I read that one over several times, sure it was a misprint, but it wasn't! I also discovered I had four deprived little babies, because I never had half of the "essential" baby equipment their article described. Their layette list would clothe four babies easily! The pamphlet about breastfeeding was at least half-filled with instructions on bottle-feeding. There was a full typed page of instructions on how to put a diaper (disposable!) on a baby.
The descriptions of life with your husband after baby were truly depressing. I couldn't believe it! It's nothing like they described. Our children have added to our happiness together-not made us angry and resentful of each other and the children!
One article said something about not having any freedom and privacy since your baby was born. I wondered what privacy they were talking about, with the three children I had before the baby was born interrupting me with "emergencies" every time I go in the bathroom and shut the door. (You know, life-threatening things like, "He gave this book to me last week and now he says it's still his!")
Then there was that article on sex after baby. They said to choose a time when the baby usually sleeps for four hours (which is never with any newborn I ever had!). Then turn down the lights and put on soft music and a special nightgown (to hide the post-baby bulges) and have an unhurried time of enjoying each other. Well, it sounds nice and it might even happen some day when the baby is three years old and all four of the children are visiting the grandparents at one time-if we don't have another baby by then! So anyway, I finally decided to write a more realistic postpartum guide of my own.
BERYL'S POSTPARTUM GUIDE FOR FOURTH-TIME MOMMIES
Toys:
Clothes:
Housework:
Privacy:
Sex:
Diapering:
Feeding:
Meal Preparation:
Marriage Counseling:
Zippy Answers to Snippy Questions
"Zippy Answers" is proving to be one of our most popular features. It helps to have a humorous "word in season" handy when people zing snippy questions your way!
The plain fact is that at-home moms and parents of large families have been taking an unnecessary verbal beating, mainly because nobody has taught us how to speak up for the rightness of what we are doing in a bold, often humorous way.
This column is dedicated to providing us with the confidence we need to keep on trucking!
Some people have written wondering if it is EVER all right for Christians to verbally defend themselves. My answer to this can be found in a letter I wrote to the leader of a pro-family organization.
". . . What horrible things people are saying to parents of large families.. . .. Here are a few appropriate responses to the insults listed in [an article in the last issue of their newsletter]:
ANSWER: (in an ironic tone of voice): "No, we haven't! Would you like to tell us?"
Now what can anyone say to that without sounding like a fool?
ANSWER: (blandly): "For what?" or "I've always had a terrible time waiting for presents," or even "That's a terrible thing to say. Do you always go around imposing your views on people like that?"
Now the attacker is forced to state her belief that children are not presents from the Lord, or justify her rudeness, or give up altogether. If she does the first, you have an opening for a fruitful conversation. If the middle, she will invariably end up sticking her foot in her mouth. (If there's anything this sort of person is proud of, it is her "openminded" stand against anyone imposing his views on anyone else.) If the latter, you have won the encounter.
This one is wide open for a whole list of responses, from
The point is not that we should always make such responses. But holding your fire is a very different thing from going unarmed. Simply knowing that there are responses saves us from looking and acting like victims. Think of it as your verbal Nuclear Shield.
We have six children who we take everywhere with us, but nobody ever tries this kind of stuff on us. If they ever did, you bet they'd get a response. That is probably why they don't try it in the first place.
As Solzhenitsyn and hundreds of others have pointed out, force (in this case the ability to use verbal force) is the only language a bully understands. If they sense you are not "unarmed," they are likely to leave you alone.
"Turning the other cheek" refers to not getting into a brawl over small personal insults and impertinences. It does not mean we have to sit by and ignore not-so-subtle attacks on our children's right to life, especially in a day like ours when the views expressed by the insults above are perilously close to being enacted into law. Those uttering these insults need to have their eyes opened to the implications of their words. As the Bible so wisely says, "How good is a word in season" (see Prov. 15:23 and 25:11).
Lisa Keyes, CT
I really enjoy the "Zippy Answers to Snippy Questions," and thought I would add our "zippy answer" to the list. When someone commented on my being pregnant "again" to either me or my husband, we would smile and say, "We haven't found out what's causing it yet!" Of course, the longer we've been Christians we realize there are much better ways to answer people that reflect our true happiness at the thought of the Lord blessing us with another child.
Luanne Shackelford, Philippines
I am often asked, "Don't you believe in family planning?" and I reply, "Yes, I believe that all children are planned by God!"
Nancy Graston, FL
Whenever I take my five children out with me, invariably someone raises their eyebrows and exclaims, "My, my, you sure do have your hands full." "That's exactly what they're for!" I always reply, and it leaves them speechless every time!
Holly Sullivan, OR
Since all my six kids are with me wherever I go, we get more than our share of Snippy Questions. It helps a lot to make a game of it. . . . We keep scores of SQ's (also AC's and EC's, which I'll explain in a minute.) We've become very professional about this, assigning points to SQ's according to their degree of boorishness. The object of our game is to accomplish all our errands with a score of zero. (So far, we haven't been able to do this.) Our rules are simple:
Begin play by taking all your children with you to any public area. Score may be added up on paper if SQ's are coming quickly. Scoring is as follows:
CATEGORY 1: SILLY QUESTIONS
SQ #2: "Six! Haven't you figured out what causes that yet? YUK! YUK! YUK!" (10 points)
Answer: "Certainly. The Lord causes this."
SQ #3: "Hasn't anyone told you about the population explosion?" (15 points)
Answer: "You mean you still believe that myth?! I've got a good book in my care
called The Way Home. With that and a calculator I can show you how you can fit
everyone in the world in the state of Texas. Of course, you are so concerned about
the population explosion that you're willing to give up your three cars, your
3000-square-foot house, and your quarter-acre yard planted in lawn instead of in
food, right?"
SQ #4: "How CAN you afford them all?" (15 points)
Answer: "We gave up the BMW."
SQ #5: "So, when is your husband going to get himself fixed? I had MY husband fixed
after the birth of my second!" (25 points)
Answer: "You mean you had your husband NEUTERED?" (A startled gasp is appropriate
with this answer.)
NOTE: A great time-saver with SQ's is a pre-printed T-shirt. This allows you to simply point to your chest, add up your score, and move on. Terrific for when you're in a hurry! My personal favorites are "BECAUSE I LIKE KIDS" and "PSALM 127:3-5." [This gives me an idea. Anyone out there want to make and sell T-shirts like this, or with the best of the HELP Zippy Answers column on them? I'll make you an offer you can't refuse-40 words of free advertising in our Classified column! Make sure to carry an extra-large size, for those of us who are pregnant/just gave birth/just happen to be that size!]
CATEGORY 2: ASININE COMMENTS
A variation of the Silly Question. Some AC's are one-shot deals, and thus score higher. Some examples from our personal files:
AC #1: "A miscarriage is God's way of saying you have enough children!" (50 points)
When I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer after the birth of my fifth child, we heard this:
AC #2: "Thyroid cancer is caused by having too many babies." (50 points)
This ALL-TIME-WINNING AC was spoken by the Paramedic immediately after I gave birth to my fifth baby in the back of my Volkswagen (these things happen!)
AC #3: "If we were in China, I'd have to kill this one!" (150 points)
My nine-year-old son usually answers
AC #4: "My gosh! Six! How can you STAND it? My TWO drive me nuts!" (20 points)
AC #5: "Golly! Six! And they're so well-behaved! I can't take my kids anywhere or they act up! What's your secret?" (5 points)
CATEGORY 3: THE EXAGGERATED COUNT
Another variation. Example of the EC: You are walking along with your children, minding your own business, when suddenly a complete stranger stops abruptly in your path. He does a little dance, a pantomime of sheer disbelief, and pointing his finger in a theatrical manner counts loudly, "One! Two! Three! Four! Five! SIX!!" The grand finale is a gasp of horror while he claps his hand dramatically over his mouth. (Because they are so entertaining, all EC's are worth 30 points.)
My seven-year-old daughter LOVES the EC. Once, when we were visiting a local Christian coffee shop, Shyanne noticed a boy of about 12 doing the EC in our direction. "Look, Mom!" she said. "The public schools do SOMETHING right! They taught that boy to count all the way up to six!" Since then, we have been able to recognize many products of the government school system by this amazing ability to count to six. Last summer, when we were visiting a small town on the coast, we noticed that practically the entire population was possessed of this remarkable talent. The schools in that little hamlet must have been considerably above average. Soon, we will be able to see if folks can carry the EC all the way to SEVEN!
I must point out that, as silly as most SQ's are, many times they are not meant to be as insulting as they sound. I learned this one day when the kids and I had more errands to run than usual. We were exhausted, and our total score for the day's game was already over 90. We had one last store to visit, and as we crept (inconspicuously, we hoped) into a fabric store to pick out some material for shirts for the boys, we were practically run down by a delivery man as he whipped around the Notions counter. He stopped, grinned at us, did an EC, and boomed, "Wow! Are they ALL YOURS?"
I was tired. I forgot the rules. "What business is it of yours?" I snarled.
The man's smile vanished. "I'm sorry," he said. "I had eight kids. They are all grown and gone now. I miss them terribly."
God forgive me.
Another time, a woman stopped me with, "Wow! Six! Are you going to have MORE?" Again, I was tired. I said, "How should I know? I don't have the gift of prophecy!"
Tears came to that woman's eyes as she said, "What I meant was, my husband didn't want more than one. He had a vasectomy. I always wanted a large family."
We who have a large family are blessed, and I have come to learn that many SQ's are expressions of envy. Be polite, honor the Lord, and give thanks for the special blessing of many children.