Postby LilyMama » Thu Sep 11, 2008 1:28 am
Here's my thoughts... kind of a more philosophical response... many kids come out of the public schools with the belief that education, and being a good student, is about getting the answers right. There's not a whole lot more that gets commended or appreciated in the assembly-line system that defines our public schools. It sounds like your stepson just needs a lot of positive reinforcement in things that aren't about answering the questions correctly. Basically, as with many public school kids, his value system needs re-tuning, and that takes time and deliberate attention.
I'm sure you praise him a lot, but he still doesn't seem to think other things are as important as being "right." Somehow, and homeschooling can be a great tool for this, you need to help him value things outside of "always being right" and value himself as an independent, creative, unique thinker that is in the process of learning. But if you are doing school just like the public schools- focusing on correct answers and getting through lessons- then you aren't really changing anything for him, you know? If you praise him for getting right answers very profusely, to try to offset the tears for when he's wrong, you may inadvertently be making things worse. Because you could be sending him the message that he's going to be most appreciated when he's perfect and anything less just isn't good enough. Saying "it doesn't matter, we all make mistakes" a million times just won't make as much of an impact as you may want.
My sister is one of the few excellent public school teachers, and I watch how she interacts with children to model positive reinforcement techniques. I think that you can find a way to celebrate the process of learning that will take the stress off of doing everything right the first time. Maybe I'm over-simplifying, but I think taking an extra minute or so in the correction process would pay off. You know, "It's interesting you thought the lady said to do the worksheet just like that, and I thought it was this way. Isn't it funny that I noticed this and you noticed that? We're all so different! Let's watch it again and see what we notice this time..." Or something like this. If you can move him away from the right/wrong aspect of it, he might tear some of those defenses down. My sister is incredibly consistent with this- saying it just once won't cut it- and her kids pretty quickly come to find peace with the process of learning. Studies show that when kids find the freedom to explore being wrong, and how they got to the wrong answer, will actually allow them to get answers right more often. They learn how to learn.
Did you know that most state requirements ask that a child can sit still, at task, for 15 minutes straight at the end of kindergarten? After that it varies, but in most states a first and second grader are trying to achieve 20-30 minutes at the end of the year. And they only expect that 2-3 times in one school day. My sister's first grade class is in constant motion, the kids don't really sit at their desk doing work for all that much time. Many of us who start homsechooling don't remember that about our early years, we remember the sitting still because it was so hard, and we remember high school, when sitting still all day was a bit, but not much, easier. So we try to model that. It might be worth your time to go sit in on a public or private school class of his age to see what's going on. Not that you want to model it, but you might find that you are actually asking more tedious behavior from him than even the school does. Just a thought...
I hope you'll continue to post your story. My kids are young, but my son is a very particular, perfectionistic kind of kid, and incredibly afraid of being wrong. He also doesn't sit still. That's why I was so drawn to your post, as I could easily see my son like your stepson in just a few years. As you can see, I have philosophical ideas about learning, but I'd really love to see how someone actually puts it in action.
Good luck, and keep us posted!