Help Issue 6 - Part II - Copyright 1989 Mary Pride, 1997 Home Life, Inc.
CHILD TRAINING TIPS
KID OF THE WEEK
Mrs. Jackie Wood, GA
I have just completed reading All The Way Home and have to say it's one of the best books I've ever read. Bless you.
As a mother of five (our 6th due in December) we have had to-out of necessity-come up with ways to make sure we are 'fair' to all the children and let them know how special they are to us.
Several years ago we hit on our best idea yet that has stood the test of time, and I expect it will go on long after the kids are grown and married. Each child, beginning with the youngest, gets "Their Week" beginning on a Sunday and lasting until the next Sunday when its the next child's turn. During that special week the child whose week it is gets to sleep with Dad and me once (usually Sunday nights) and either goes to an early breakfast with Dad or to work with him if his schedule will permit (one or the other). That child is also the "Boss" when it comes to seats in the family van (they choose where they sit) and whenever there is the opportunity to take turns they get to go first. In other words, they are simply favored all week long. Now we don't have fusses over who got to do what last , etc. Even our three year old southern sweetie has been heard saying "When its mah week I'm gonna go to work wif mah daddy!"
ENJOYING THE DAY OF SMALL THINGS
Susan Noel, OH
I think the more children I have, the more I cherish each moment of their childhood. I guess now I realize how fast they grow up and some of these things will never happen again.
With our first, I was always running to the baby book to see what she would do next, instead of enjoying what she had accomplished now. I seemed to put emphasis on the "important" accomplishments, like crawling, walking, etc., instead of the little things like bright eyed smiles, peek-a-boo, those sloppy, wide-open-mouth kisses. Those are the things to be cherished.
Our "baby" just turned one and is learning to walk. The amazing thing is not that he is learning to walk, but that he shows off. He waits until everyone is together sitting around talking, then he walks out in the middle of the room where everyone can see. Of course, we all fuss over him.
DOING CHORES BY THE CARDS
Joyce Saunders, CA
I use pictures of the kids doing their work laminated at a photocopy store to tell them what to do.
We have several work times when a batch of cards will be done. For example before breakfast they have cards for get dressed, make the bed, pick up the floor of their rooms, take trash out, unload the dishwasher, sweep the porch etc. They need to be done by breakfast (9 a.m. at our house).
When they were first learning this system I encouraged their finishing their jobs by breakfast time with a monetary reward and lots of praise. After they had practiced long enough (one to two weeks) I told them they had done a good job of learning a new habit and I now expected them to do it on their own. Then if I think I have not seen them busily at work I will make a general announcement of "15 minutes til breakfast" and then the feet get moving! That way, my focus is on letting them know that breakfast is soon rather than nagging about chores. They bring their pile of cards out to the kitchen counter on their way to the table which is sort of the official "I have done my chores" signal. They do not want to be late for breakfast because breakfast will be over at the same time for everyone and few things motivate them as well as their appetites.
Other "job times" are scheduled for before afternoon playtime, before dinner and before bed.
Since our fourth baby was born I found that an hour of PBS television from 11 a.m. to noon really helped me get thru the day. During this time I can make lunch and dinner. My six year old has his school time with me at 10:30 to 11 a.m. for reading. I rarely have any complaints about school because I say, "Let's hurry and get our schoolwork done so you'll be done in time for Mr. Rogers." It's the only T.V. he watches so it is quite a treat. In fact he often says "C'mon mom, don't dilly dally around now, lets get to work!"
KEEPING TRACK OF CHORE TIME
Nancy LeFebvre, OH
We are home schoolers, so a 45 minute "chore time" is part of our regularly scheduled school day. Each morning, someone pulls out the (plastic-covered) chore list and we read what's on the list for the day. The younger children need a lot of encouragement (i.e., pushing) to do their chores diligently and not spend most of the time just fooling around.. but I do not have myself on the chore list at all so I am free to do what I see needs most to be done during that time. That includes checking up on the children's work. The children also have a few minimal afternoon chores to do. I keep a check-off sheet on the refrigerator, on which each child checks off whether he has done his morning chores, his afternoon chores, read his Bible and done something nice for someone else. By having them keep track of their own faithfulness in carrying out responsibilities, I free myself from one more thing. Before I learned to do that, they would clamor for their daily allowance (earned by being faithful in those responsibilities) and I would have to go around and check on each job to see that they did it and did it well. Now, I can spot check now and then to encourage honesty but basically, they are responsible to keep track of their own diligence. I merely look at the check-off sheet on the refrigerator at the end of the day to know whether the child has earned his allowance. Scripture admonishes the employer to pay his employee on a daily basis, and children are much more likely to work for a reward when that reward comes immediately on the heels of their accomplishment.
This system worked when all six of our children were at home, and it still works now that only three are left at home. Our children range in age from 2 to 22. It requires a minimum amount of my time and the children have a sense of accomplishment as they fulfill their responsibilities . . . and the housework usually gets done.
EXTRA CASH FOR KIDS?
Diana Fossum, MN
I am sorry that my first letter to you contains criticism, for there is so much in HELP that I think is so good. But this is one of the few subjects that I also disagree on with another person that I have lots of respect for, namely, Dr. Dobson. The subject is monetary rewards.
I can see how an allowance, after a child is old enough to help out, could be given as his share of the family's earnings. But I cannot see the value of paying children wages for doing their work. When my children suggested this, I said, "OK, I will also charge for washing dishes and clothes, preparing meals, cleaning, etc. and we'll see who comes out owing who!" If we want to raise girls to be women who will be at home doing work that they won't be receiving direct monetary payment for and boys to be men who will help with these family tasks, how is this helping them to that end?
But worse, are monetary rewards for good behavior. I think it is right to train children to speak respectfully to each other, but when their motivation for doing this is not to lose money, is this truly Christian character training? The Bible clearly teaches that the motivation for good works should be the love of Christ, not the love of money or seeking of rewards. Any selfish motivation for proper behavior or good works, destroys the quality of good works. Gal. 5:6 "Faith worketh by love." Faith in Christ produces love in the heart, and this love shows itself in good works. Rom. 13:10, "Love is the fulfilling of the Law."
Thanks for writing! I understand your argument against monetary rewards. The question is, "Are we training children to only work and behave well for money, or is the money an OBJECT LESSON that gives them an understanding of the true spiritual rewards?"
Children should serve the Lord for His own sake alone, not as "men-pleasers." Yet fathers, in particular, are supposed to encourage their children when they do well (Col 3:21). Our children learn to please God, who they cannot see, by pleasing us, who they can see. Similarly, I believe they learn to work for God and expect His future rewards by seeing their earthly father handing out present rewards.
Again, we all need to recognize that "money does not grow on trees" and "the worker is worthy of his hire." Where better to learn that than in the home? True, Mom doesn't draw a salary for her work, but then again Mom is co-partner in the family "business" and a major voice in how money will be spent. Just as it is unfair to expect workers in a company to work 80 hours a week just because the boss (who reaps the rewards of owning the business) does, I think it is unfair to expect children, who have very little say in how the family income is spent, to do all their work for no tangible reward. This does not apply, of course, to work they caused in the first place, such as a child making his own bed or cleaning up his own messes. On the other hand, an allowance is simply money given for NO effort. If it is tied to the amount of work he does it is actually a wage payment, not an allowance. If it is not, it is very similar to a welfare payment ("you deserve this because you are an American/member of our family/single mother, not because of anything you have done").
MATING WITHOUT DATING
Liz Adleta, OR
I believe that children should be brought up understanding that their first goal in life should always be to "seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness." Priorities should be first to discover God's will and direction for them in terms of one's life work and to be in preparation for that as they are growing. Friends and associations with the opposite sex should be handled just as are those of the same sex-that is, associating with wise companions, not being unequally yoked together with unbelievers, not seeking pleasure and enjoyment above honoring the Lord and preparing for His service. In addition, all youthful associations should be in well-supervised groups which do not encourage pairing off. Each child must be taught early the importance of self-control and seeking God's mind for every decision and direction.
Thus when faced with temptations of the flesh to pursue lustful attractions with the opposite sex, he is armed to stand firm in faith, waiting on the Lord for His proper timing and choice!
I realize that this sounds "radical," if you will, but we are after all a "peculiar people," are we not? We are called to be lights in the world! Our children should grow up learning to stand alone in every area of life regardless of the actions of the majority even of "Christians"-and based upon God's revelation to him of God's individual plan and purpose for him! Our children need to be preparing for their roles as husbands and wives during this interim time-learning to be those that lead by example, to be servants, to be strong in the Lord for young men: learning to be quiet, reverent, submissive to those in authority as unto the Lord for young women. As each of them is about pursuing God's direction, I believe Scripture is clear that in God's own time He will direct each one to His perfect choice for them!
PRIORITIES
To Diane Nelson, ID
You asked for suggestions on how to deal with so many children at a time while doing a lot of other things. First of all, I would drop the "other things." Sewing and quilting are wonderful, as are other crafts, but young motherhood is NOT the ideal time for this. You can buy clothes cheaper at a yard sale than you can make them, anyway! The same goes for outside ministries. These are to be added in AFTER your home situation is under control. The home is your training ground for other activities-it comes first.
Second, it's inevitable that, at different times, one child or another will get "neglected." You can't do different things with a zillion different-aged kids all at once! We put aside summers to spend extra time with the preschoolers, and concentrate more on the older ones during the school year. This doesn't mean you totally ignore the others, just that school is more important during school time. Also, we encourage the older ones to play with and teach the younger ones...
SHOOTOUT AT THE NOT-SURE-IT'S-OK CORRAL
Liz Ensley, LA
I am benefitting so much from the various suggestions on child training in HELP and All the Way Home. Keep up the good work!
A possible topic for discussion might be how you and others handle one question: Do you allow gunplay? If so, with what rules? Rationale behind guidelines? I would prefer a masculine perspective, too, because women tend to be leery of guns, but I don't want to feminize my son. So far, my husband favors allowing "shooting" only imaginary "bad people," but we are open to wisdom from those who have gone before.
LET'S STOP KIDDING AROUND!
Martha Pugacz, OH
I prefer to call our blessings children instead of kids, since I vacationed on my aunts farm for several years and noted how REBELLIOUS GOATS ARE!
Linda Rivas, OR
We also have become interested in family worship, although at first I was pretty comfortable with leaving the twins in the nursery. By the time they were 18 months and crying every time I left them, I just spent all my time in the nursery during Sunday School. When Davey was born, I was there during Sunday school again. Then when he was 10-11 months I couldn't stand leaving him to cry so we started taking him to the worship service. He usually behaved very well.
In addition, we have gradually become more and more certain that we wanted to have a Sunday school class for the whole family. Now that is happening on a trial basis. The common views are that the class cannot possibly appeal to all ages. That mom and dad won't be getting the challenge they need spiritually and that they already have family devotions (so that is enough). However the class is going very well, and all the children seem to be enjoying it.
Our class actually has a twofold purpose: to provide a class for the family to attend together and to provide opportunities during the week for the family to interact spiritually, especially involving dad as spiritual leader. Part of our classtime is spent reporting on the various projects from each family. This is really great for the children to have such a supportive and interesting audience. There has been resistance from many in different areas of leadership - especially the children's Sunday school department and the Pastors' wives (we have two Pastors). We are very careful not to criticize the children's Sunday school, and to present this as an elective class, as other electives in the Adult Sunday school. So families can feel comfortable just signing up for 13 weeks. We think that most who try it will be convinced. We certainly will not go back to the old way.
Betty Fitzsimmons,WA
Considering teaching children to be quiet in services, twaddle and lack of enthusiasm on a preacher's part can cause squirming on the part of children and adults alike. If the preacher is bored, chances are everyone else is also. One idea I have for children who can read is to make a list of words I expect the preacher to mention and have the child mark how many times those words are mentioned:
Example:
God, Father llll llll ll
Jesus, Christ, Lord, Savior: llll llll llll ll
Bible, God's Word, Scripture: llll llll ll
When a child reaches 200 points, I reward him. This was effective with neighborhood bus children who were not known for patience.
In HELP, you mentioned sharing some of the joys of raising children; I find them unexpectedly, like my six year-old praying "that our money may go up the drain," hugs in the morning with "Mommy's awake!," simple meals with the compliment "Mommy, you're the best cooker." Jesus was so right when He told us to love; we get it back so much more!
Donnajean Meahl, CA
I would like to answer Miss Searles' defense of Sunday School. Because she is using young girls to assist her in Sunday school, these girls are not getting the teaching they need from the church. She isn't either. It is their parents job to teach them to relate to small children and tell Bible Stories. This isn't the church's job. Let them watch their younger brothers and sisters or if necessary the children of an overworked young mother. Then they would be doing some real good.
Do we need Sunday School for the children of ungodly parents? No, in fact our church has never allowed under age children to attend church without their parents. An underage child is supposed to be under the authority of his parents. His parents have the responsibility for religious teaching. If we preach to the child and not to the parent we set up a tension in the child between the home and the church. He must choose between honoring the one or the other. When he is an adult then he may be called into the church because he will be mature enough to deal with his parents' ungodliness. Children's church also does a disservice to the child's parents. It allows the parents, both godly and ungodly, to avoid their responsibility to teach their children. If they want their children to get some religious teaching we should help and guide them but never do it for them. But what if they don't? If they don't, they don't. God will call their children some other time in some other way and they will answer to God for their lack of obedience but we will not have helped them not obey.
So Bill, with tongue firmly in cheek, invented the Pride Family Drink Rule.
Each child gets his cup filled 1-1/x, where x = his age. So the two-year-old's cup is half-full, the three-year-old gets 2/3 cup, the four-year-old get 3/4 cup, and so on until êx approaches zero and the cup is almost completely full.
What happens to the one-year-old? By this rule, she gets 0 cups full... But that's all right, because she still is nursing!
WHY BABIES LOVE TO NURSE SO MUCH
Beryl Singer, MA
I used to wonder why God made newborn babies to need to nurse so often. I wonder if it was because He knew that was the only time new mothers would sit down!
G.S., OH
Having just read The Way Home, I wanted to thank you for an excellent book. I also wanted to share with you about something you wrote in chapter 14:
Think of the farm wife of old, with her quilting and canning, her rag rugs and homemade clothes, if you want to see an artist at work.
Well we farm wives are still around quilting and canning and are happy with our lot. Who would want to work outside the home-unless it's in the barn! Really, I would hate to have to leave my kids every day, to not have the time to sew my husband a shirt or bake him a pie. Anyway, perhaps the reason you like the Mennonite materials from Rod & Staff and Christian Light is that the Mennonites and Amish never left the "old" way of New Testament living. Their lifestyle has never been touched by the Me Generation or feminism.
We live near a large Old Order Amish settlement and it is an inspiration to see women with eight or nine well-behaved children, not ashamed of wearing an apron, with their wash out on the line...
My husband and I have three girls, ages four, two, and one. He raises feeder beef and grain with his folks on the main farm across the road. I raise a small flock of chickens, rabbits, feeder pigs during spring-fall for our own use, garden, can, tend a small orchard, make our own soap, quilt, sew my girls' dresses, and I also intend to home school. I have often wanted to share how full and filled my life is with the "evangelical feminists" in our Methodist church. Maybe I'll slip your book in the church library!
Evvalynda Hoover, CO
Regarding the idea of me as mom needing to get away-Is that something that has been spurred on by modern society?
I decided one day to go out. My intention was to go out alone and leave my husband with the children. As I was ready to go out the door my children wanted "to go too," so I went ahead and took them.
My point, I guess, is-Is it really important that we encourage the desire to "get away"? This day I chose to "get away" and they came scampering to "get away" with me, the thought occurred to me that... they are with me all the time too and yet never express a desire to want to get away from me... Would I want my heavenly Father to want to "get away" from His responsibilities to me?
Joanie Etter, OR
A friend recently wrote, "You ought to write to Mary Pride and give her your idea about how women latch on to her idea about having kids, then leave them with bottles and babysitters especially to go to church meetings, retreats, etc., etc." Something just does not seem right about church nurseries full of screaming babies and mothers feeling compelled to leave their infants for a weekend of "marriage enrichment" or the elder wives' weekend getaway. Yes, this "gotta get away from the baby" syndrome seems worse among church leaders! No wonder there are so many problems as the children grow older. Who knows what kind of damage could be rendered to the high need of a sensitive child who feels abandoned when separated from his mother?
One reason I think God designed breastfeeding was for this very reason-so that a baby's very life would depend on the mother's physical presence. May the name of Dr. William Sears, M.D. (wonderful Christian author and advocate of "attachment mothering" and meeting the needs of a baby) become as well known as James Dobson!
Liz Ensley, LA
Preschool and Mother's Day Out are very popular here also. Needless to say, I am not a saint. I am a normal mother who gets angry and frustrated at her children and who sometimes is very selfish. But I have found that being encouraged to be selfish ("You need time for yourself or you'll go crazy!") only makes it worse!
Tammy Valentine, FL
When Megan was an infant and toddler, our old church introduced a Mother's Day Out program that I never wanted to participate in or use (puzzling myself a bit as well as friends). Then it occurred to me that I liked being with my little girl. I wanted to be with her and spend my time with her more than I wanted to do anything else. We enjoy each other's company. While my friends were lamenting the "stages" their children were going through, we experienced no such "stages." We just thoroughly rejoiced that God allowed us to be with each other-to learn and train together.
Martha Pugacz, OH
Our pet peeve was when young parents went on vacations without their children (young ones), and then in front of the children would expound about the GOODTIMES they had! I'm sure the children got the message!
Irene Gump, VA
Pet Peeve - I have the way every time I turn around in reading even Christian Magazines or listening to others, how it seems our Constitutional Right to find a baby-sitter so we moms can have a "date" at least once a week with our husbands. Have you noticed how it seems to be the answer to all family problems?
Problem: The kids are driving me nuts!
Answer: Get a baby-sitter, go out alone with hubby.
Problem: I am feeling restless and trapped.
Answer: You need to get away from the kids and get a baby-sitter and have an evening alone with hubby.
Problem - (Insert your own here)
Answer: You need to get away from the kids and hire a baby-sitter and have a weekend with hubby.
Well anyway I've noticed this problem! I wonder how much discontent is a result of this advice. Ever since my first son was born 10 years ago, I've been bombarded with this advice. At first it was from the world, but even when I became a Christian I still got this information. When my second son was born I got this same advice from even my pastor's wife. I can't tell you how much discontent and frustration this has caused me. Then I read Bill's book Flirting With the Devil and realized this was not Biblical. The Lord nowhere promised every mom a baby-sitter and a weekly date...
Tammy Alger, IL
It might interest you to know also that the word "babysitter" was not in the Webster Dictionary until 1950...
Barbara Wiedenbeck, WI
Almost two years ago, some of the home-schooling families at our church were feeling the need for a support group. I was nominated as coordinator and liaison between us and the staff. I went at it with some trepidation, as we have a church school and other homeschoolers had been circulating horror stores as to the lack of support given to them.
My first decision was that we would not have a group if our head pastor could not support us. I determined that we would not be seen as a "rebel" group, or as an effort to undermine the church or school. That was not our purpose, and I wanted us to be supported for what we were-a bunch of homeschooling parents seeking to give their kids a great education and support others pursuing the same goal. So I went to our head pastor and do you know what? He thought it was wonderful! Despite all the negative, put-down, condemning stories I had heard, Pastor H. said he thought our idea for a support group was great and also said he so appreciated my coming to talk to him face to face.
What impressed me the most was that the home-schooling families of the past had often left in bitterness, unable to accept the fact that, at that point in time, they did not fit in. Probably mostly because of their attitude...
Our pastor's attitude toward homeschooling has softened somewhat over the years, but his attitude really is positive toward those who come to him in love (not in defensive condemnation) and are willing to listen as well as talk. People may not always be able to see our viewpoint or support what we're doing, but nastiness will never be the answer.
Our home-school group is now going strong. Though there have been misunderstandings along the way with other staff members, an appointment and loving discussion with our head pastor always solves the problem. I never allow myself to go in angry or ready to kill - it only distracts from the facts and hurts those involved.
I also think that most of us forget that most of the adults we are dealing with these days have come out of the public schools! That has incredible implications for all aspects of the church, whether it be children's ministries, adult ministries, people-to-people relations, etc., etc. If we, as home-schooling parents of large families (or increasingly large families...) cannot be positive loving example of what we believe to be the "Biblical" way, then who else is going to do it? Certainly not the world! Most Christians are willing to listen and share as long as we are positive and loving toward them in their situation.
A, K,, WI
I'd like to conclude that I enjoy reading Home Life. It always spurs my mind and instigates discussion. I do not always agree and could offer a comment on nearly each article but I'll try to refrain, others too have wonderful insights and experiences to share. However, I want to say that I agree with Kathy von Duyke. Christians need to spend more time using scripture and prayer to walk through their own lives. I get so frustrated with and tired of people following a movement or person(s) instead of Christ. You and your readers can offer each of us a lot to think about but ultimately the responsibility of obedience is between us and the Lord. We must prayerfully seek God's leading in our lives as we serve Him in our unique situations.
Kathy Von Duyke, DE
Gee, I sound so harsh in print! I want to apologize to HELP readers for my comment about whining. Obviously it's a relief to all of us to feel we have a safe forum to discuss issues the rest of the world is hostile towards. I wouldn't want to take that away from anyone!
I am pregnant with our fifth child and we live in a two-bedroom condo. This is mainly due to the fact that we are still candidating for our first church, a process that's been going on over two years.
Two questions that are well-meaning but too often asked are; "Where are you going to put this one?" and "Does Tim have a church yet?" I was starting to have a hard time answering with a smile but a few things have helped us during this time. For one we decided that God was giving us a wilderness experience to develop character and bring out areas of weakness in us. We are working on the areas that have come up and so are using this time constructively. Secondly, I try to say, if given a chance, that since we are in limbo it would be unwise to move but that we would rather have our children spaced by our desire to have them rather than based on life's circumstances.
Thirdly, many of these comments are due to my own complaining! When we had two children I thought our house was too small and often said so. I no longer complain! I have to admit that I've been guilty of many insensitive comments myself. These are usually based on my initial response rather than the other person's need.
Our situation has disciplined me in many positive ways. For one thing it's no longer a big deal, so my shoulders have broadened. We've also developed a very efficient lifestyle and learned to solve many practical problems. I can even perform bathroom triage now "You poopin? NO? Next!" Really, I think God is just making me live out my worst pre-christian liberal prejudices and face the bogey-man down!
Mrs. Hoover of CO. had a great article on grief. While I've never suffered the loss of a child, my first husband was murdered at work years ago when I was just twenty and had a six month old son. Grief is work! It is also incredibly lonely. How thankful I was for the brave souls who would let me talk about my dead husband. How thankful I was that I had given in to my desire for a child in spite of my career goals. How painful are the thoughtless comments! God later enabled me to share the gospel with the murderer and after we married, Tim visited him weekly for several months explaining clearly the message of Christ. While there is no great ending to tell as yet that faithfulness has brought much healing.
Liane Jablonski, MA
Recently, our Bible teacher spoke from Romans 14 about how we should receive and treat brothers in Christ who have opinions on practices that differ from ours. I found that inserting an issue that either I feel very strongly about or one that someone is trying to force on me into the verses where it mentions "food" really puts the issue into perspective! One other verse that I believe is really important is James 1:19. So often I mention one of my special interest areas, and it comes across as if I think the other person would be better off to think that way too. Most of the time I didn't even need to bring it up, at least not without either being asked very specifically after the person had actually seen me doing the thing, or until I knew from the person herself how she stood on the subject. (A good friend of mine thinks that home birth is irresponsible; I don't believe that it is critical for her to know my view or practice because her feelings are so strong.) If I am swift to hear and slow to speak, there will be much less occasion for causing a sister in Christ to stumble or be offended. Sometimes we talk about personal things that should never be brought up, and if someone asks a too-personal question, we should respectfully decline an answer at least until we talk with our spouse about divulging such information. In some cases, we know that answering the question will only cause problems between us and the asker. However, the subject may come up at a later time, and that might be the right time to share your heart and have it received in a like spirit. It takes time to assimilate, understand, and be "fully convinced" in our own minds, and others need that opportunity, too. I have even found that things I once felt very strongly about later lose much of their importance or I become convinced that I was actually WRONG before! Let us never think that we have arrived - not even Paul thought that about himself. (Phil 3:12-14)
HEALTH QUESTION
Liz Ensley, LA
Another possible topic for discussion in HELP is how to physically remain healthy for having a large number of children. I don't have the time or inclination to go to exercise classes and don't want to diet as I'm still nursing and can't be sure when I'll get pregnant again. What do other women who have large families do? Is it really important to do stomach exercises?
We will have some answers for these questions, plus many other helpful health tips, in the next issue!
Anonymous, Eastern USA
I hear and feel the pain from many people who have been so hurt by careless, nosy, and unloving people who have said and done cruel things. Our family, too, was in a very painful church situation almost two years ago... We finally had to resolve our situation by leaving that assembly, and we now home church with several other families. Our final decision to leave was made for our children. We did not see how we could teach certain truths at home and have the children see and hear a much different line of preaching at church. This left us with the choice of either saying nothing so as not to undermine authority in their eyes or to correct as best we could, but give the impression of encouraging a "do as we say, not as we do" attitude toward spiritual and church policy matters. We are more thankful every day that the Lord gave us the strength to leave when we did, as it was a very difficult thing to do, to say the least. Things do get better over time, and an awful lot of the hurt is gone now.
This same lady wrote back later. She pointed out the cons of her situation ("we are in real danger of turning into a Christian social club, with nice little devotionals each Sunday morning brought by men who for different reasons are not spiritually mature...") and the pros ("Yet there have been some very good things out of this - unparalleled spiritual growth while our main Bible teacher was still there; each man has taken at least a few turns in leading the group; and the older men have been quite interested in meeting in a 'church' situation after nearly vowing never to set foot in a church again...").
Liz Ensley, LA
I'm looking forward to the next issue on home church. Certainly we have learned there is no such thing as the perfect church (according to our preferences) especially in a small town where you have fewer choices. For example, our church has quite a few at-home mothers who have several (3 to 4) children, but children up to 12 years of age are not really encouraged to be in the service while a friend's church has NO nursery but most of the women are employed and have small families.
Anonymous, IA
We have no "church" as adultery is more tolerable [in our church] than holiness and the "church" chooses rather to judge the holy rather than the sinful (as you so aptly stated in your book). One couple, retired African missionaries in this Brethren church we attended, dedicated the relationship of Susan (divorced) and her divorced live-in as they "didn't have the faith yet to marry"!! We don't believe in remarrying anyway since we die only once and 'til death do we part. (We left before this due to another bizarre adulterous incident.) We suggested that she reconcile to her "alcoholic" husband but they said that was a "bad environment" for the children-their father, yet they overlooked that Susan bar-hopped!
Alida Gookin, MS
There are a significant number of home-schoolers who are dropping out of churches and having "home-church" because they are afraid the church will have a negative impact on their children. They have become pietists and as far as the use of their gifts for the growth of God's kingdom is concerned, these Christians might as well have died and already gone to heaven, because they are not much use to God on this earth. I think they are afraid that "Greater is he that is in the world than He that is in you," so they go hide under a bushel to protect themselves. Some of this retreatism is motivated by spiritual pride also. They get to believing they are the only ones who are really serious about God. Church is a waste of time to them because they already know everything they hear from the preacher. But God has a reason for having established the Church. If we aren't getting a blessing from being there then it must mean He wants us there to be a blessing to others...
(From a later letter) I am not sure what I wrote about "home church," but I want to make it clear that I was not meaning the same as "house church." By "home church" I am speaking of only one family (father, mother, and their children) meeting in their home for church with no other persons and not being involved in the work of any other local church. A "house church" is a real church meeting in a house. The "house church" is alive and well in countries where Christians are being persecuted and killed by the government.
It may be that in the case of illness (such as what you have experienced) that a particular family may temporarily need to worship together at home, but in this case the family would still have their names on a church roll and be supportive of the church in their prayers and perhaps also in their giving. I would hope that such a church would continue to maintain contact with such a family that may be in such a difficult situation and that there would be gifts of mercy and helps exercised toward that family.
If one should start a "home church" with the view to expanding it to a "house church" through the ministry of evangelism, that may be necessary at times. If the Lord leads a family to do this, we cannot oppose such a work as that either. However, there are some starting a "home church" which I do not feel could be in either the Biblical spirit or framework. The underlying spirit in forming some of these churches is pride - spiritual pride. This pride is manifest by a feeling of disgust with members of the local church who are not as "spiritual," a lack of patience in letting the Lord deal with members they have sought to exert an influence over, and having more knowledge than love... Perhaps those who are tempted to start a "home church" are more spiritually gifted than the other members of the local church, but these gifts should be accepted with humility and with a view to serve God with them in the local church. The Lord will not use us in the local church to change it if we have pride in our hearts, but He can bring real revival to a church through a humble saint who prays with patience for fellow church members. I believe "dead" or "wayward" churches may offer the most likely prospects to us for real revival.
One other problem with the "home church" is the fact that the various gifts that the church needs are not likely to be manifest in all one family. There will be the lack of balance that other Christians give to one another. The Biblical form of church government (with ordination of elders and deacons) could not be operative. The sacraments of baptism and communion may also fall by the way. The great commission of Matthew 28:19-20 is also likely to be neglected. The community is not usually attracted to Christ through "home church" people because they appear to be trying to "escape." I see the truly Biblical church as being salt and light and marching on to victory with courage to tear down the strongholds of Satan, not as one hiding under a bushel and fearful of others. I feel that some "home church" people have not only given in to Satan's temptations to get out of the local church so as to make them ineffective if the spiritual battle for the souls of men, but some have also adopted strange and erroneous opinions by emphasizing "pet" verses and making an idol out of one or two particular principles. In other words, a "home church" may become something like a cult. (I believe one proper definition of a cult is that it exalts certain principles more than the Lord Jesus Christ Himself.)
I was saved in a "house church" seventeen years ago and worshiped with them only a few weeks before moving to another state. Since then I have been involved in ministering in Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian churches. There have been times that I felt like I would have gotten more out of it if I'd stayed at home and studied on my own rather than listening to the preacher. There have been times when I felt the church was "dead," or that I was not use ful in the church. I have been tempted with giving up on the church. But as I fought the temptation to stay at home and won the victory over it, God has blessed. Presently, I am a member of one of the most apostate denominations in America, but there is a real awakening in our local congregation.