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Teaching Manners & Controlling Emotions

 
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Nan
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Joined: 01 Jan 2012
Posts: 3
Location: Ohio

PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2012 8:10 pm    Post subject: Teaching Manners & Controlling Emotions Reply with quote

I am looking for suggestions or ideas from parents that will help us to help our 6 yr. old daughter develop better control over her emotions.

I believe manners are learned best by modeling your parents, and I assure you that my husband and I do not exhibit anger or frustration in out bursts. I understand that developing control over feelings of anger or jealousy or disappointment is part of maturing.
So, what might help this process? Wink Perhaps, some experienced parents could lend some ideas!

We talk about situations. Our daughter does acknowledge that a situation makes her feel angry - I think this recognition is good. But, she still exhibits her anger by growling, hitting (usually something inanimate or a parent), kicking something...juvenile behavior.

Most of the time, she is great with excellent language skills and politeness. But, today, for example, when the child in front of us at the post office was given the last lollipop, so that none was available to our daughter...she felt terribly angry towards everyone. I do not think I have ever seen a lollipop at our P.O. (usually its the bank - and I avoid them), but in this case she saw another child get the candy.

Books? Games? Time with continued encouragement and understanding?
Our daughter is HS and an only child living with us on a farm with no neighbors. We are involved with Sunday school, choir, ballet, theatre class (really good at this- very dramatic!!). Wink !

Thanks - I am new on the forum! Not sure where to post this!
Nan
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Theodore
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Joined: 06 Oct 2005
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Location: Missouri, US

PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2012 3:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I may get in trouble with some people for saying this - but for a kid who takes a lot of temper tantrums, talking may not always be sufficient. Some sort of immediate, measured, physical response might work better - either spanking, or if you're morally against that, some sort of strenuous exercise, maybe along the lines of "Drop and give me 20 push-ups!" (or sit-ups or whatever if she can't do a push-up) As long as the penalty is explained in advance and never applied in anger, it produces a conditioning response (tantrum = penalty = don't do it), and in the case of exercise, a small amount of fatigue / dopamine, which tends to have a calming effect.
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Nan
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Joined: 01 Jan 2012
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Location: Ohio

PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2012 5:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Theodore, thank you for sharing your opinion. I do completely disagree, however.

The child I describe does not have frequent temper tantrums. She is polite, gentle, and sweet. She enjoys formality - likes to curtsey to people who pass by in the church hallways and after she performs piano pieces for guests. I receive compliments about her behavior and language skills and musical abilities from people that I hardly know. A client that I saw last week made a point to tell me that a friend of hers mentioned that she is so impressed with my daughter. Pretty nice news for a mom to hear.

My point is that I believe that these good character qualities are a result of her nature and modeling after her parents, characters in books, other people that she respects. I believe that hitting a child is telling and showing a child that hitting is acceptable - wrong message. I totally believe in "model" behavior.

I always ask my child how she feels inside if she is reacting badly to a situation. We talk about how it feels differently when she is having fun, smiling, sharing. I wonder how does a parent feel inside if that parent physically hits a child. It cannot be good. If it is, then something is wrong.

Physical activity is great and running laps or doing push ups may be very effective for emphasizing a point to an older child or, perhaps, in another child. I do not think that boiling, hard to control emotions are more easily controlled when the body is forced into physical activity. On the flip side, physical activity may be the answer if the person herself chooses to put their frustration into that effort. (I cleaned stalls at our family barn - horses - very effectively when I needed physical activity and time to think through frustrations while growing up...but that was my choice.)

My post is seeking ideas to increase opportunities for a child to learn how to better control the hard emotions encountered in life: envy, anger, disappointment, loss. Those emotions are tough for everyone and harder for more emotional people. I wonder if parents have some favorite games or activities or books that aid this sort of maturing.

A bit of quiet time, usually with my daughter in her room either reading or sitting in my arms in silence makes the heated emotions subside. When we are out and about, the quiet room is too far away.

She knows and tells me that it is hard to control these feelings sometimes. I think this is the right direction...now to practice so it can be easier. Self control takes time. It is the epitome of maturation in my opinion.

When it comes to consequences for actions, honestly, we tried the negative for awhile. No one was happy. So, I changed it around. We are seeing great improvement with POSITIVE consequences for genuine, natural, unprompted excellent behavior. We give positive reinforcement for the good behavior and emphasize it. This makes more happy feeling opportunities which is healthy and makes for a better life!
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Theodore
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 08, 2012 12:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well then, maybe physical response isn't the answer. I do think that most children, even given a choice between a short period of exercise or a long period of talking about their problem, are going to choose the former, and it still ends up achieving the desired result in the end - but maybe that isn't your daughter either. Let's see if anyone else weighs in with an answer more useful to you.
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Blessings4all
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 25, 2012 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Help Me Be Good books by Joy Berry are really good. I used them with my kids. One of the books in the series is about throwing tantrums. Joy Berry has a wonderful way of talking the kids logically through a problem while still recognizing the feelings of the child.
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Ahliana
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Joined: 02 Mar 2012
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2012 10:15 pm    Post subject: be patient n always pray Reply with quote

if i'm in bad mood or bad emotion, i usually be calm down, try to be more patient n pray. it's give me new spirit and make me be sronger Smile
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Munchie33
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Joined: 24 Oct 2011
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 10:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This might be a little late, but...

As kids get older, learning how to control their increasingly complex emotions can be quite a skill to master. Some find it easier than others, perhaps because some kids have stronger emotions or something. It's great if your daughter can recognise this and want to learn how to make it easier for her. I've seen two methods which both seem to work quite well.

Yoga is a bit out-there for some, but it does teach you to calm down rapidly into a sort of mild meditative trance. It's more practical than a lot of stress relief exercises, since you can't always do push-ups and things in all situations, like sitting in a traffic jam or being in the middle of a college exam. If you can find a good yoga school (it depends heavily on this), that might do wonders. I've seen a lot of grade 12s use it to help get through exam periods.

The second is more recent, and a lot weirder. It probably is neurologically similar to the yoga idea. Basically, there's this game ("Jedi Training" I think) where a headset measures your brain activity, and your progress in the game is based on that. It basically trains you to control your brain waves, and I've heard a lot of noise about how good it is for kids with various learning and social disorders. Your daughter sounds lovely and doesn't have such a disorder, but it would certainly help her nevertheless. There are other games of the same type, but I'm not sure what they're called. Have a look on Amazon or Ebay if you're interested.
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Tashathomson
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Joined: 29 Mar 2012
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Location: La Quinta, California

PostPosted: Tue May 15, 2012 9:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi everybody,

Quote:
We talk about situations. Our daughter does acknowledge that a situation makes her feel angry - I think this recognition is good. But, she still exhibits her anger by growling, hitting (usually something inanimate or a parent), kicking something...juvenile behavior.

At the age of 6 Yr. these symptoms may arise due to improper diet and lack of nutrition . If child behave like this it doesn't always mean there is problem of discipline. Only remedy of this is to need care towards health and proper diet.

Thanx.
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