Teaching Manners & Controlling Emotions

[Nan]

[Theodore]

[Nan]

Theodore, thank you for sharing your opinion. I do completely disagree, however.

The child I describe does not have frequent temper tantrums. She is polite, gentle, and sweet. She enjoys formality - likes to curtsey to people who pass by in the church hallways and after she performs piano pieces for guests. I receive compliments about her behavior and language skills and musical abilities from people that I hardly know. A client that I saw last week made a point to tell me that a friend of hers mentioned that she is so impressed with my daughter. Pretty nice news for a mom to hear.

My point is that I believe that these good character qualities are a result of her nature and modeling after her parents, characters in books, other people that she respects. I believe that hitting a child is telling and showing a child that hitting is acceptable - wrong message. I totally believe in "model" behavior.

I always ask my child how she feels inside if she is reacting badly to a situation. We talk about how it feels differently when she is having fun, smiling, sharing. I wonder how does a parent feel inside if that parent physically hits a child. It cannot be good. If it is, then something is wrong.

Physical activity is great and running laps or doing push ups may be very effective for emphasizing a point to an older child or, perhaps, in another child. I do not think that boiling, hard to control emotions are more easily controlled when the body is forced into physical activity. On the flip side, physical activity may be the answer if the person herself chooses to put their frustration into that effort. (I cleaned stalls at our family barn - horses - very effectively when I needed physical activity and time to think through frustrations while growing up...but that was my choice.)

My post is seeking ideas to increase opportunities for a child to learn how to better control the hard emotions encountered in life: envy, anger, disappointment, loss. Those emotions are tough for everyone and harder for more emotional people. I wonder if parents have some favorite games or activities or books that aid this sort of maturing.

A bit of quiet time, usually with my daughter in her room either reading or sitting in my arms in silence makes the heated emotions subside. When we are out and about, the quiet room is too far away.

She knows and tells me that it is hard to control these feelings sometimes. I think this is the right direction...now to practice so it can be easier. Self control takes time. It is the epitome of maturation in my opinion.

When it comes to consequences for actions, honestly, we tried the negative for awhile. No one was happy. So, I changed it around. We are seeing great improvement with POSITIVE consequences for genuine, natural, unprompted excellent behavior. We give positive reinforcement for the good behavior and emphasize it. This makes more happy feeling opportunities which is healthy and makes for a better life!

[Theodore]

Well then, maybe physical response isn't the answer. I do think that most children, even given a choice between a short period of exercise or a long period of talking about their problem, are going to choose the former, and it still ends up achieving the desired result in the end - but maybe that isn't your daughter either. Let's see if anyone else weighs in with an answer more useful to you.

[Blessings4all]

The Help Me Be Good books by Joy Berry are really good. I used them with my kids. One of the books in the series is about throwing tantrums. Joy Berry has a wonderful way of talking the kids logically through a problem while still recognizing the feelings of the child.

[Ahliana]

if i'm in bad mood or bad emotion, i usually be calm down, try to be more patient n pray. it's give me new spirit and make me be sronger

[Munchie33]

[Tashathomson]